sometimes i just get sick of college life. especially right now, when things are just stressful and not fun and i realize "i do not get a break from this." i know that life is not supposed to be just fun. sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. traveling is fun. studying for finals is not fun. and that's ok. but right now is not one of those fun times because i do have finals, i am drowning in homework, i don't know how i'm going to get it all done, and then when i do, there are more problems to worry about. like hounding managers to see if they read my application and will maybe possibly kindly have some mercy on me and give me a job? and making other really big decisions in my life that only affect me. those are the worst decisions to make. there is always something to worry about. always something lingering in the back of my mind. and i don't get a break from it! i know, welcome to life, rachael!
sometimes i imagine god laughing at me, blindly stumbling around this maze called life. in the dark. with no end in sight. with venomous demon snakes biting at my heels. and little angels with halos and devils with red suits and fiery pitchforks on my shoulders saying "go this way!" "no, this way!" i'm sure god's thinking "you're doing ok, kid," but that doesn't mean the venomous snakes don't bite and the angels and devils don't annoy the heck out of me. i wish i could smash them into little squash marks on my shirt.
it's ok. i'll get my finals done. i'll get a job at one of the places i applied and if not, i'll keep applying. i'll keep praying and get answers to my big decisions. sometime soon i'll feel reassured about my direction. that thought at least gives me peace.
You can smash them into little squash marks! And you will! :)
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