they never said life was easy

i've been having a rough couple of months. all these potentially major decisions have plotted against me and decided to simultaneously leap off the high dive from heaven and squash me like a bug. the weight is too strong for me to stand up, wipe myself off, begin to sort through them, and find out which paths will bring me ultimate happiness. in short: i have been feeling absolutely directionless and alone in my quest to figure out these next steps in my life. i've never been good at discerning the spirit, so i can't tell the difference between my thoughts and promptings from the spirit. in some cases, i'm trying to choose between two rights. in others, i don't even know where the paths are for me to choose from.

this frustration has been building up slowly for a while. some decisions need to be made now. in more than one case, something has been offered to me, something that's second best. do i snatch up something second best or take a leap and hope i can obtain the golden nugget, my first choice in direction, the thing i want most?

one of my concerns is a second job. i need (kind of a lot of) money right now. and a job was offered to me. one that pays me nearly no money, but it's something. i put it on the backburner in hopes of finding something better. i didn't. so i went back and said i wanted the job, but at that point, somebody else had already taken it.

the result was a major meltdown yesterday. one of those meltdowns that is long overdue and has been stewing for a while, bottling up in your system. something that is bound to happen but catalyzed by a small event. i was crying so hard i couldn't talk. the kind of crying that involves heaving, hyperventilation, and lots of snot. my mom held me and i cried and cried and cried. why is this happening to me? why is it so hard? why am i not getting any answers? i have righteous desires! i'm a good person. i'm doing everything i can to be on the right path and follow the lord's will. i felt crushed, suffocated by the weight of my total directionlessness and aloneness. my mom gently stroked my hair and we decided that we should all fast today.

i woke up this morning and my mom and i sent out emails to everyone we know trying to get the word out there that i need work. a couple hours later, a woman called me who is a sister-in-law of a friend and said "i was just telling {so and so} last night that my cleaner/babysitter just quite and she sent me your email this morning! what is your rate and when can i meet you?" a few other people emailed and said they needed sitters and helpers with other odd jobs. my neighbor called me and asked me if i would run some errands for her today for a little bit of money. i got my first paycheck from my other job and was asked to cover extra shifts. these things are seemingly small but i had the strong impression today that heavenly father is looking out for me. it was comforting when i most needed comfort.

my cousin sent me this quote by elder scott this morning after we talked last night about what i'm struggling with:

"As you walk to the boundary of your understanding into the twilight of uncertainty, exercising faith, you will be led to find solutions you would not obtain otherwise. With even your strongest faith, God will not always reward you immediately according to your desires. Rather, God will respond with what in His eternal plan is best for you, when it will yield the greatest advantage. Be thankful that sometimes God lets you struggle for a long time before that answer comes. That causes your faith to increase and your character to grow."

the lord knows my intentions, my needs, and my desires. while i still don't have answers to these big decisions in my life, this quote slapped me in the face and told me what i already know. i am positive that good things are coming. my struggles are not in vain. no one's are. i really need to realize that heavenly father is not ignorant of me, he is just letting me fight and fall and scramble around until something great comes of it. is it still hard? yes. will it always be hard? yes. but i am always looked after.

the art of receptionism

i have nothing to blog about. really, i don't. writer's block, i think is the sophisticated term, but then again, that makes me sound like a prestigious writer who should be sipping tea with J.K. Rowling. which, if i did, i would have blogged about already.

so, here i am with nothing to blog about because even though i do have writer's block, i am not a writer and i did not sip tea with J.K. Rowling.

so, i will tell you a few things that have happened in the last month. (sadly, there are only a few...)

as of two weeks ago, i am a receptionist. that's right, i am that girl that answers the phone and says "thank you for calling ________, how can i help you?" and "please hold" and "let me check her schedule and see when we can squeeze you in."

i know! i sound like an adult! the last time i played receptionist was twelve years ago via barbie and pet shop.

it's not all fun and games, you know. it so happens that the place that i do all my receptioning is at a hand and foot salon/boutique called nailed. this week, my manager said "we're training a new technician. do you want a mani/pedi?" i'll tell you...i hated it. i kept thinking "what do you people want from me? i came here to recept and recept i will do! leave me be and stop massaging my leg and putting pretty colors on my toes!"

it was awful.

i just got back from our house in st. george where i had a love affair with red rocks, sandy dunes, and chuck-a-rama pull aparts. i met a ligitimate cowboy. white ponytail, leathery skin, turquoise jewelry and all. (except for the fact that he's actually a surgeon.) he let us watch him train his horse with a mechanical bull. we're still talking about it.

last but not least, i got a kindle for christmas! love it. obsessed with it. i just got my case yesterday in the mail and i about died of happiness.

so, until i have something more exciting to blog about (i promise, i will!), i am answering phone calls, kindle-ing it up, dreaming of swimming in a vat of pull aparts all while watching reruns of modern family and generally loving every second of watching phil dunfey pretend to be a man.

word of the day

thomas (tho`-mas)

n.

1. an angel sent from heaven in the form of a white-haired, blue-eyed kitty cat.

2. a carnivorous mammal who endures hours of being lugged around by ten year old girls playing dress up.

"just one more hour of playtime and i will be free to sleep and and nag rachael for lunch meat all i want," thought thomas dreamily as she let emma and her friends put knit hats and scarves all over her.

synonyms: tommy, doomy (a play off of tommy), tom cat, t-jiminator, jim, jim cat, and wom. the origins of these names go too far back and cannot be traced. it is reported that thomas responds to all of said names, even wom.

no jalepeno ranch

if there is one person that is really getting on my nerves during finals week...it's the guy at the quesadilla stand in the cafeteria. the one who told me they were out of jalepeno ranch. do not tell me that this week. and then when the other guy asked me if i wanted pico de gallo and i said yes, the one guy said "we're out of that too. sorry...i was hungry!" hungry? you were hungry? i'm hungry! and i'm a paying customer! and you don't eat pico de gallo if you're hungry!

ok. that's all. i'm going to study chemistry. satan's pastime. either/or.

the pursuit of happiness

i would like to make a public announcement:

i am switching my major. (well, dropping it really.)

i am going into taxidermy.

let me tell you how i decided that: every day when morgan and i walk out of chemistry, we pass some professor's office who has posing, taxidermed animals up the wazoo. we have the exact same conversation everyday.

"let's go into taxidermy. i don't want to take any more chemistry classes."

"ok."

"we have this conversation every day."

"i know."

we even looked up the "12 easy steps to getting a taxidermy license!"

so. i will not show up for my finals, i will drop out of school, (and by doing so, spite everyone in the medical field who is inevitably crying because i will not be gracing their presence), and i will pursue that little piece of paper that lets me stuff animals with cotton.

angels and devils on my shoulders

sometimes i just get sick of college life. especially right now, when things are just stressful and not fun and i realize "i do not get a break from this." i know that life is not supposed to be just fun. sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. traveling is fun. studying for finals is not fun. and that's ok. but right now is not one of those fun times because i do have finals, i am drowning in homework, i don't know how i'm going to get it all done, and then when i do, there are more problems to worry about. like hounding managers to see if they read my application and will maybe possibly kindly have some mercy on me and give me a job? and making other really big decisions in my life that only affect me. those are the worst decisions to make. there is always something to worry about. always something lingering in the back of my mind. and i don't get a break from it! i know, welcome to life, rachael!

sometimes i imagine god laughing at me, blindly stumbling around this maze called life. in the dark. with no end in sight. with venomous demon snakes biting at my heels. and little angels with halos and devils with red suits and fiery pitchforks on my shoulders saying "go this way!" "no, this way!" i'm sure god's thinking "you're doing ok, kid," but that doesn't mean the venomous snakes don't bite and the angels and devils don't annoy the heck out of me. i wish i could smash them into little squash marks on my shirt.

it's ok. i'll get my finals done. i'll get a job at one of the places i applied and if not, i'll keep applying. i'll keep praying and get answers to my big decisions. sometime soon i'll feel reassured about my direction. that thought at least gives me peace.

"such a beautiful place...to be with friends"

my halloween masterpiece

what an emotional HP7 midnight screening. it was emotional for me and the rest of the wizarding community. if you didn't go see it....well, then i don't want a filthy mudblood like you dirtying my URL! i didn't realize i would cry so much. i cried on and off for the whole movie. like, slobbery, wipe-your-nose-on-your-shirt kind of crying. the whole movie and for at least half an hour after we got home. my roommate was seriously getting nervous around me. i don't think i can even handle going to see the last part. i think it may kill me! i'll probably explode out of sheer...harry potter-ness.

RIP DOBBY, THE GREATEST HOUSE ELF EVER TO ROAM FREE!!!!

"such a beautiful place...to be with friends"

p.s. the taste of mountain dew is the taste of homework all nighters and HP midnight premieres and those two things only.