this frustration has been building up slowly for a while. some decisions need to be made now. in more than one case, something has been offered to me, something that's second best. do i snatch up something second best or take a leap and hope i can obtain the golden nugget, my first choice in direction, the thing i want most?
one of my concerns is a second job. i need (kind of a lot of) money right now. and a job was offered to me. one that pays me nearly no money, but it's something. i put it on the backburner in hopes of finding something better. i didn't. so i went back and said i wanted the job, but at that point, somebody else had already taken it.
the result was a major meltdown yesterday. one of those meltdowns that is long overdue and has been stewing for a while, bottling up in your system. something that is bound to happen but catalyzed by a small event. i was crying so hard i couldn't talk. the kind of crying that involves heaving, hyperventilation, and lots of snot. my mom held me and i cried and cried and cried. why is this happening to me? why is it so hard? why am i not getting any answers? i have righteous desires! i'm a good person. i'm doing everything i can to be on the right path and follow the lord's will. i felt crushed, suffocated by the weight of my total directionlessness and aloneness. my mom gently stroked my hair and we decided that we should all fast today.
i woke up this morning and my mom and i sent out emails to everyone we know trying to get the word out there that i need work. a couple hours later, a woman called me who is a sister-in-law of a friend and said "i was just telling {so and so} last night that my cleaner/babysitter just quite and she sent me your email this morning! what is your rate and when can i meet you?" a few other people emailed and said they needed sitters and helpers with other odd jobs. my neighbor called me and asked me if i would run some errands for her today for a little bit of money. i got my first paycheck from my other job and was asked to cover extra shifts. these things are seemingly small but i had the strong impression today that heavenly father is looking out for me. it was comforting when i most needed comfort.
my cousin sent me this quote by elder scott this morning after we talked last night about what i'm struggling with:
"As you walk to the boundary of your understanding into the twilight of uncertainty, exercising faith, you will be led to find solutions you would not obtain otherwise. With even your strongest faith, God will not always reward you immediately according to your desires. Rather, God will respond with what in His eternal plan is best for you, when it will yield the greatest advantage. Be thankful that sometimes God lets you struggle for a long time before that answer comes. That causes your faith to increase and your character to grow."
the lord knows my intentions, my needs, and my desires. while i still don't have answers to these big decisions in my life, this quote slapped me in the face and told me what i already know. i am positive that good things are coming. my struggles are not in vain. no one's are. i really need to realize that heavenly father is not ignorant of me, he is just letting me fight and fall and scramble around until something great comes of it. is it still hard? yes. will it always be hard? yes. but i am always looked after.
