ask me how to grow up, i dare you

remember when you were in 2nd grade and you thought that the 6th graders were so old and mature? i mean, their backpacks were so heavy. it just seemed really cool and sophisticated to have a lot of homework and books in your backpack. remember in 6th grade when you thought the 8th graders were cool and smooth? they have a 7 period sechedule. gosh, that seemed fantastic. remember 8th grade when you thought those high school juniors were the bees knees? they were dating and driving! the major leap of sophistication. and then, when you were in high school, you thought you'd have your whole life figured out by 20. you'd be smart, put together, cool and composed, mature, and i daresay.....an adult, finally!

well guess what? i'm 20 now. am i put together? do i have my life figured out? NO! i still think of myself as the little 12 year old girl just entering young womens. i don't know anything about life! i'm a child! i'm just trying to figure out what kind of person i am! ok, ok, no one really has their life figured out by 20, but the fact still remains and it makes me a little uncomfortable.

i feel like my life is somewhat of a contradiction. i have different interests that pull me in different directions. i'd like to go on a mission in a year. i'd like to stay put and power through nursing or med school. i'd like to spend a year saving up and then spend a year traveling. (that one's not going to happen, but i would in a heartbeat.) i'd like to meet the boy, get married, and start a family. i'd like to not be tied down. what would i like??? i don't know!

who am i? am i a smart, curious student? am i an artsy dreamer? am i categorized? who is rachael? i mean, i know i'm just me, but who is 'me'? it's hard to see what kind of person you are when you're so close to yourself. i mean, i never leave myself! have i made any personal progress over the past few years? should i be wise?

this semester, i was told by the bishop's first counselor that "the relief society has requested your help as a teacher." WHAT?! at first i panicked. i can't teach! some of these girls are return missionaries! they should teach me!

but you know what? it's also kind of fun not knowing. just a little. my college experience so far has not been what i thought it would have been. i never thought i'd be in rexburg, i never thought i'd have spontaneously jumped on a plane to china for four months, i never thought i'd have met the people that i have. i won't lie, there have been times i've been so frustrated with life that i just sit down and cry. but guess what? it always works out. it always will. so i guess it's ok that i don't have anything figured out and that i'm just stumbling through college by trial and error. i always look at people and assume that they have everything under control, but no one really does! ok.....well maybe oprah does. i can't imagine her ever confused about life. she's probably not even human. but the rest of us just pretend like we know what we're doing. must be all part of the human experience. but...

those 23 year olds look positively poised....